The other day I went to the garden store and got plants and other supplies for my backyard garden, ready for an afternoon outdoors. When I pulled up to the house my 4 year old neighbor asked if they could come over and help me with my gardening. I told them I was going to eat lunch but would come over and get them when I was ready to start. As I was eating, I thought about how including a 4 year old would increase the time it would take to accomplish my planting. Fortunately, I have become friends with this kid and knew having them around would also increase my fun. It’s important to go into projects with a clear idea about what we are gaining and losing as we make our choices.
We had a lovely time digging holes, putting in the veggies and flowers and pulling weeds. After we finished all our planting, my friend asked if they could take the big trash can full of yard debris to the curb. It was full and heavy and they struggled to move it. And while it fell over numerous times, they didn’t seem frustrated and kept at it, setting the can upright each time and moving on. I, on the other hand, was becoming impatient. After a few more spills,I took over and they immediately walked over, sat down on the edge of the garden and harrumphed. They sighed deeply and put their head into their hands, near tears.
I knew I had blown it but I had a choice. I could take the trash can to the curb and finish the task or I could repair the relationship. I sat down next to them and asked if they wanted to give it another try. Immediately cheered up, they dragged the can slowly to the curb. When they finally made it to the curb, we celebrated the accomplishment with a popsicle.
I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I have a couple of lessons for parents and friends of young children.
Let’s allow extra time for our tasks with young children. It is okay to say, “I am going to do this myself,” sometimes if time is short. When we work with a young child the job will take longer. If we are prepared, we can enjoy their curiosity. We can look at the pillbugs, gather the cool rocks and do some fencing with the amazing sticks. Your progress may be slower but your day will be more joyful.
Often kids don’t need our help. Take a deep breath, and take a minute to see if the child actually needs your help or if you are preventing them from taking on a challenge..it is okay for kids to experience frustration. It is okay for them to fail and try again. It's also wonderful to witness a kid doing hard things. My friend was confident and capable and did not need (or want) my “help”.
I know it’s not always possible to allow extra time for a child to complete their task (I’m looking at you, morning shoe time). At these times parents will often step in to complete a task. I get it, we need to get out the door. It is okay. We are all learning how to do hard things and tears are a part of living. Remember it's now our grown-up responsibility to repair the relationship. When everyone is calm we might say something like, “I am sorry I took over your job; I was feeling rushed and we needed to get to school. Tomorrow, maybe we need to allow more time for our shoes.”
Happy gardening. I hope this week brings you plenty of opportunities for curiosity and joy and only a few instances of putting the little feet of an independent kid into their shoes.