I love writing and I suffer greatly from the "I'm not really a writer" syndrome. I have written a dissertation and published a text book and yet... and yet.... I shy away from actually putting pen to paper - I wonder if I can write something without finding the correct citation to verify and support my idea (and to ensure) I'm not plagiarizing someone else's ideas. I've been reading The body keeps the score and the author recommends writing as therapy and so in keeping with turning 50 this year I am going to do a 50 day challenge. Each day I am going to write (and hit publish) and see where that takes me. My goal is minimal "wordsmithing" and a commitment to "good enough" and "the shitty first draft".
Now the hard part....actually writing about something.
Let's start with a confession. I watch a ton of YouTube videos - I watch videos about all kinds of topics - often for hours at a time. It is weird to write that but it is nevertheless true. I realize that this behavior is somewhat problematic, it keeps me from doing other more productive activities like writing, reading, cleaning my house or exercising and also from doing other less productive activities like watching all the films nominated for the Academy Awards or binge watching Game of Thrones. All of those things require a commitment and I don't really want to commit, apparently I'd rather watch a lady shop, clean out her closet or extol the benefits of essential oils while cooking an elaborate meal with free-range chicken raised on her family homestead in her eclectic home kitchen on the vintage stove she and her husband painstakingly restored while her delightful children play with wooden toys painted with non-toxic paint. But I digress... no really, she is so beautiful and her kids and chickens are perfect too. She does not open a box of mac and cheese and heat up a hot-dog in the microwave so she can watch a few more videos or catch up on ..... oh my gosh, what am I even catching up on? Seriously? What?
What is it about YouTube that has me so smitten? Lots of ladies post "cleaning inspiration" that does not inspire cleaning but does offer a bit of guilt and shame, which can only be remedied by a few videos of someone with a shopping addiction who has an entire china cabinet filled with cute, seasonally appropriate mugs and dishes that say "hop to it" and "somebunny loves you". Guild replaced by smug superiority because while my kitchen doesn't have a vintage stove and copper pots, at least I am not dishing about twenty brand new pieces and hiding my ever mounting credit card debt from my family. So what need is met by this habit? What am I avoiding? For Christians, this is the season of Lent, a time when we are asked to set aside what distracts us in order to make time for what is truly important. Last night after I finished a riveting video about a mom cleaning her house and decorating for spring, I picked up a lenten devotional and was prompted to consider what I want less of and what is truly important to me. I want less distraction and more thoughtful engagement with my life.
There it is. Day One of Fifty days of writing.